Don’t Put Your Christmas Tree in the Toilet and Other Life Lessons

Yes, we really did this

So here’s a funny story: This one time, I had this huuuuge craving for watermelon. It was one of those “I need this now or else I’ll die and f!#k who ever gets in my way” kind of cravings. So I walked down to the Italian Market, which is basically a big farmer’s market along 9th Street in Philly, and bought two watermelons.

I then proceded to carry them back to my apartment at chest level because that was the easiest way to carry them. At the time, I didn’t understand why so many men were cat-calling to me.
A lot of my life is like this. I’m completely oblivious to practicality. It’s like I’m an allegory – watch how I act in life, and do the complete opposite.
Case and point: today, I put a perfectly good Christmas tree in the toilet. Why? I thought I was following directions. The Christmas tree worker dude guy told me I had to get the tree into water within the hour or else it would die. Well, I bought the tree 45 minutes outside of the city and on the way back, I was hungry so we decided to stop at McDonald’s and then we needed some decorations and stopped at Walmart and after everything was said and done, I started to panic because we hadn’t put the damn tree in any water and it was probably starting to die right then and there and then the $40 we spent on it would be wasted and blah blah blah…
So I put it in the toilet because that seemed like the obvious thing to do at the time since we hadn’t set up the stand yet.
One of my friends once asked me how I lasted to the ripe old age of 27. He was genuinely intrigued at how I’d managed not to set my hair on fire or be run over by a garbage truck or poison myself by accident by taking cat tranquilizers instead of my allergy medication.
Surprisingly, I have no idea how I even manage to feed myself. But learning is part of life and today I found out that trees aren’t suppose to drink toilet water.

2 responses to “Don’t Put Your Christmas Tree in the Toilet and Other Life Lessons

  1. Omg you are too funny!!!

  2. why can’t a christmas tree drink water from the toilet? Cats and dogs do it all the time.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s