I’ll be the first to admit it. I suck at dating. Actually, it’s not just daing that I’m horrible at. I’m just socially retarded in general. I really have no idea how to interact with the human species without resembling Anthony Michael Hall’s character in anything that was made between 1982 and 1985. No, it’s worse. I think I’m more like Milton from Office Space. My stapler…
My awkwardness is something that I can keep under control until I go to a bar and get a couple beers inside me. It’s odd because alcohol is a social lubricant, but for me, it has the reverse effect. I gain tremendous courage and self-esteem when I’ve been drinking, but in the wrong areas. Like I think I can sing Meatloaf at karaoke or jump over small cars or ride a pony down Broad Street.
So anyway, Valentine’s Day is coming up and for people like me, that means you’re either going to be spending it with your cat or at a bar.
It’s not that I hate Valenitine’s Day, I just don’t see the point in dedicating a holiday to happy couples. I mean, they’re already happy so why rub it in?
They should have a holiday for people who hate Valentine’s Day and happy couples and happy people in general. It’d probably be called “Bitter Old Hag Day” and cards for it would read “I’m one bad date away from owning 37 cats.”
I don’t know exactly when my odium for Valentine’s Day started. Maybe it was when I was in 3rd grade and gave this boy a card that had an image of a puppy on it that read “Would you be mine?” and he put a pencil through the puppy’s face.
Or maybe it was when my very first boyfriend in high school gave me a bag of processed shrimp as a Valentine’s Day gift because he thought I liked seafood.
Or when I magically received a card from my “cat” in the mail signed in my mother’s penmanship.
Whatever the case, I’m glad my friends accept my awkwardness. They love me regardless if I embarrass myself by confusing the words of Salt ‘n Peppa’s “Push It” for “Smoosh It” or if I lock myself in a public bathroom by mistake and freak out and start to cry.
So, for all of you socially awkward folks who hate love, spend Valentine’s Day with your homies.
And it’s perfectly acceptable to send yourself flowers and address the personalized note, “Dear Stephanie, You are the most awesome person in the world. Love, Stephanie.