Let’s Have a Moment of Silence for Your Dignity

According to Wikipedia, the term “beating a dead horse” is an idiom that means “a particular request or line of conversation is already foreclosed or otherwise resolved, and any attempt to continue it is futile; or that to continue in any endeavour (physical, mental, etc.) is a waste of time as the outcome is already decided.”

I tend to like to take this approach to dating. I feel the need to hit the corpse of the relationship over the head with a stick for months after the initial breakup happened just to really ensure that it’s dead. I do not recommend this method to anybody.

For women of a certain age (aka those that are about to turn 30), breakups are particularly harsh. I mean, I know our generation is evolving at a snail’s pace as far as marriage goes in  contrast to the baby boomers, and I’m not suggesting that every girl in her late 20’s wants to be jogging down the highway with a stroller in velour sweats, but there comes a time in your life when you start to question how you’ll possibly find a well adjusted dude when they all seem to have a need to dump you via text or Twitter.

I feel that one can overcome a breakup while still retaining their dignity. So, I’ve compiled this handy breakup guide that is 100% guaranteed to butcher your pride. Read it, let it sink in, and then never, EVER follow this advice.

1.) Weep openly in public: People don’t understand public displays of emotion anymore. To these people I say, crying openly in public places is perfectly healthy! In fact, more people need to break down in restaurants, pet stores and Walgreens more often. Since when did having feelings become illegal? Since when did listening to Soul Asylum’s Run Away Train at full blast on your iPod  and soulfully singing along to the lyrics while simultaneously wiping tears from your eyes at the gym become a sin? If you’ve been dumped, you have every right to start crying hysterically and hiccupping at a Frido Kahlo exhibit.

2.) Animal Hoarding: When you witness a grown woman who looks like a caricature of Glenn Danzig buying three bags of kitty litter at the grocery store, you can’t help but to visualize her returning to her one-bedroom apartment filled with various feline paraphernalia and popping open a bottle of Arbor Mist while eight cats crawl all over her. You’re feeling very vulnerable right now and the best way to feel better is to get a pet. Animals love you intensely and with unrelenting bliss! And you deserve to be reminded that you are worthy of this kind of devotion, no matter how many times you checked your ex’s email.

3.) Pull a Say Anything: So you gave your ex your heart and he gave you a pen. The next logical step is to dress up in a khaki trenchcoat and stand outside of his apartment while blaring Peter Gabriel from a boombox. If you don’t have a boombox or a khaki trenchcoat, your friend’s car radio and your gym clothes are the next best thing. Ignore the angry shouts from the neighbors. They’re just upset they don’t have the balls to semi-stalk their ex at 3am on a Tuesday. So what if you end up in the back of a cop car blubbering about how this stunt worked for John Cusack?

4.) Get Drunk Daily: Alcohol is a social lubricant. It also helps you sleep better. And you’re going to need all the help you can get while you’re facing all those long, dark and lonely hours in your big empty bed with your newly adopted family of eight cats. When drinking alone isn’t enough, you should totally get blitzed in public too! Send your ex 32 text messages about how much you miss him in one night. Have an eight minute conversation with a support beam that you thought was a person. You’ll be the center of attention after you somehow end up on the roof of a five-story building using nothing but a cherry-picker! All your friends will adore you after you urinate under a booth in Burger King! And who cares if you get a drinking problem? You’re still young enough to fix that.

5.) Impulse Buying: You just got dumped and feel like shit. You need a temporary distraction from all of your pain. You need to feel a twinge of joy again. What better way to fill that boyfriend-shaped hole in your heart than by stuffing it full of designer handbags, tickets to Europe, and gerbils?

6.) Sign Up for a Dating Site and Only Go on Dates with Men Who Look Exactly Like Your Ex: So what if your ex reminded you of a giant pile of rocks you toted around on your back and got scoliosis from? You kept that pile of rocks close, especially at night and in bed during the winter. You miss having somebody to eat Mexican with on Thurdays. Even though you hated his dancing hotdog tattoo and obsession for Bruce Campbell, you magically find yourself trolling OKCupid for men with ridiculous tattoos and an interest in zombie movies. It’s more than fine that you date clones of your ex for the next eight months and then wonder why none of these fetal relationships bloom into the real deal. It’s natural to go on a first date to Applebee’s and want to put a shoe through your face after you realize you’re more interested in reading the description about the Buffalo Blue Burger than your date’s 45-minute tangent about how your predecessor broke his heart by running over their puppy with her Jetta.

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