Category Archives: boyfriend

10 People I Need to Delete From My Phone Right Now

zac morris phoneCute Tall Guy Drunk” – I honestly have no idea who this is. I probably nabbed it during a night out with the girls after one too many vodka and cranberries. And no, I’m not going to text him and ask him his name and what his face looks like.

“Do Not Answer” – We all have one of these in our phones. Mine’s a British guy I met at an after-hours bar one night called the Republican who lit cats on fire as a hobby.

Some girl I knew in college who I hung out with once – I kinda remember her not being fun and tentative plans for brunch. That was six years ago.

This girl my guy friend was hitting on at a bar and I felt sorry for her – Yah, never gonna call her either.

Courtney – I honestly have no idea who this is.

Friend’s Ex Boyfriend – I really have no idea how I ended up with this number. My friend probably didn’t have her phone one night and asked that I contact her BF if I needed to get a hold of her. Regardless, I’m never going to call this person except to say, “YOU PIECE OF !@#$!!! YOU KNOW WHAT YOUUUU DIIIDDDD $%^$#@$^ *&^^!!!”

“Girl in Duck Costume” – Yes, it honestly says “Girl in Duck Costume.” IDK.

My Ex from 2007 – That was a good relationship, but I’m pretty sure he’s married w/ children now and we haven’t spoken since MySpace was still a thing.

Domino’s – Because honestly, this is just pathetic.

“Dean OkCupid” – We went on one date and I wanted to put a fork through my face. There’s obviously not going to be a second date, so why do I still have his number?

Five Worst Fictional Boyfriends

mr-big-sex-and-the-cityI’m the type of girl that develops significant crushes on people that don’t exist. When I was in 3rd grade, I was obsessively in love with Raphael, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Now that I’m a full grown 29-year-old woman, my fictional crushes have evolved from six-foot amphibians who know Ju-Jitsu to zombie-killing, motorcycle riding hicks, AKA Daryl from The Walking Dead.

There are some fictional men, however, that I’d never date. Here’re five of them.

Mr. Big, Sex and the City

Despite the fact that millions of women around the world let out a collective sigh of relief when Carrie finally married him, I stand steadfast in my assertion that Mr. Big is one of the worst fictional boyfriends ever. If you’re into guys who cheat on their wives or spend approximately 5433956 hours a week at a job that entails wearing a suit, writing checks, and being mean to everyone, then he’s quite the catch.

Jim, The Office

“I’ll respect the fact that you’ve been engaged to a guy for like five years who has no intention of marrying you but I’d never cross that line. Instead, I’ll just sit here at my desk and make puppy eyes at you all day, flirt with you constantly, and take a vacation in another country on the day of your wedding, even though we’re supposed to be BFFs and I should be there on the happiest day of your life.” And after Pam does finally marry Jim and pop out a baby, he’ll buy his parents’ house without even asking for her opinion. Slick.

Tom Sloane, Daria

It’s really a shame that the best cartoon girl friendship of the mid 90’s was ruined by a boring, pseudo-intellectual with a bad mullet. Not only did Tom come between Daria and Jane, but he didn’t even understand our favorite little bifocal ball of wittiness. No Tom, we’d choose Trent over you any day of the week, thankyouverymuch.

Jordan Catalano, My So Called Life

Yes, Jordan. You may be a moody, misunderstood dreamboat that is musically gifted, but after hiding your relationship with Angela from the public, getting poor Brian Krakow to write an apology letter to her and then making her think you wrote a song about her when it was really about your stupid car – no. Just no.

 Patrick Bateman, American Psycho

Because what girl wouldn’t want to date a serial killer who cuts up prostitutes into little, tiny pieces?

I’ve Become Bi-Continental

I know some people who are self-proclaimed “bicoastal folk.” They spend their time divided between Philly and LA or New York and Seattle. I was always fascinated about how people were able to do this and even more so about why they chose this drifter-esque lifestyle.

However, what I’m going to be trying to do in the coming months (and maybe even years) is wayyyyy harder than being bicoastal. I’m talking bi-continental, splitting my life between Philadelphia and London.

My one client is from Texas. When I first met her, I asked her what on earth prompted her to leave a huge horse ranch outside of Austin and move to New Jersey. Her reply: “A man, of course.”

And that’s exactly what is starting to bring me to the other side of the pond. We’ve set it up so one of us visits the other one every other month, until October, when he is unfortunately going to Afghanistan for six months (he’s a sergeant in the British military).

It’s weird, how life works out. I’ve spend 27 years dating complete douches all over America and I finally meet a reasonable guy and he lives not only in a different country, but on  a totally different continent.

I’m leaving to go to London in two weeks. There’s going to be scooters and ocean and Stone Hendge  and it’ll be lovely. I’ll let you know how it goes.