Tag Archives: boyfriends

All of the Dating Advice I Have

89bcd9bb3cb831aaf37a34e29d676dd51.) “Musician” is simply a euphemism for “I will fuck you and then I will copulate with your best friend, cousin, sister and anything else with a pulse and a hole.”

2.) Skateboards are practical methods of transportation for humans under the age of 12. Anybody who uses a skateboard after that age should be avoided, unless they are making big bucks for riding around on a two-by-four attached to four roller-skate wheels.

ie:

Betty, “I have a hot date tonight with Johnny!”

Sally, “That’s wonderful! Where are you two going?”

Betty, “Down the block. We can’t go very far away because he’s picking me up on his skateboard. Isn’t that romantic?”

Sally, “…….”

3. “I’m not ready for a relationship” means I am not ready for a relationship. It does not mean the following:

– I want to take things slow because I respect you and I am a gentleman.

– I am emotionally hurt by your predecessor and fear that you’ll hurt me too. My heart is a big gaping wound and I need to be treated as fragile goods and be nursed back to heath by a caring and devout woman such as yourself.

– If you hang around for like five months and bake me cupcakes and have naked sleepover parties with me, I will suddenly realize how amazing you are and put a ring on it.

4. Stop talking about your dating life in hyperbole. Every dude out there isn’t an asshole set out to break your heart and you’re not going to be alone forever. Shit happens to everyone. This is why dating is as exciting as it is sucky. Chin up, slugger.

5. Having sex does not mean he is your boyfriend. Three weeks of dating doesn’t mean he’s your bf either.

6. Do not, under any circumstances, get drunk and text him, “Do you like me?” Also, do not show up to his place of employment in nothing but a trench coat and garters.

7. Relax. Relax. Relax.

8. Do not rely heavily on dating advice from your female friends or gay male friends or your mother.

9. It is not cute or becoming to get drunk in front of him and then shrilly sing Miley Cyrus and/or throw up in your purse and/or get into a brawl with the grouchy broad wearing leggings with a Lisa Frank-esque pattern of cats and space ships who gave you the stink-eye.

10. Do not listen to Jawbreaker while sitting by yourself on the couch in the dark waiting for him to call you back.

 

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Five Worst Fictional Boyfriends

mr-big-sex-and-the-cityI’m the type of girl that develops significant crushes on people that don’t exist. When I was in 3rd grade, I was obsessively in love with Raphael, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Now that I’m a full grown 29-year-old woman, my fictional crushes have evolved from six-foot amphibians who know Ju-Jitsu to zombie-killing, motorcycle riding hicks, AKA Daryl from The Walking Dead.

There are some fictional men, however, that I’d never date. Here’re five of them.

Mr. Big, Sex and the City

Despite the fact that millions of women around the world let out a collective sigh of relief when Carrie finally married him, I stand steadfast in my assertion that Mr. Big is one of the worst fictional boyfriends ever. If you’re into guys who cheat on their wives or spend approximately 5433956 hours a week at a job that entails wearing a suit, writing checks, and being mean to everyone, then he’s quite the catch.

Jim, The Office

“I’ll respect the fact that you’ve been engaged to a guy for like five years who has no intention of marrying you but I’d never cross that line. Instead, I’ll just sit here at my desk and make puppy eyes at you all day, flirt with you constantly, and take a vacation in another country on the day of your wedding, even though we’re supposed to be BFFs and I should be there on the happiest day of your life.” And after Pam does finally marry Jim and pop out a baby, he’ll buy his parents’ house without even asking for her opinion. Slick.

Tom Sloane, Daria

It’s really a shame that the best cartoon girl friendship of the mid 90’s was ruined by a boring, pseudo-intellectual with a bad mullet. Not only did Tom come between Daria and Jane, but he didn’t even understand our favorite little bifocal ball of wittiness. No Tom, we’d choose Trent over you any day of the week, thankyouverymuch.

Jordan Catalano, My So Called Life

Yes, Jordan. You may be a moody, misunderstood dreamboat that is musically gifted, but after hiding your relationship with Angela from the public, getting poor Brian Krakow to write an apology letter to her and then making her think you wrote a song about her when it was really about your stupid car – no. Just no.

 Patrick Bateman, American Psycho

Because what girl wouldn’t want to date a serial killer who cuts up prostitutes into little, tiny pieces?