Tag Archives: dating

All of the Dating Advice I Have

89bcd9bb3cb831aaf37a34e29d676dd51.) “Musician” is simply a euphemism for “I will fuck you and then I will copulate with your best friend, cousin, sister and anything else with a pulse and a hole.”

2.) Skateboards are practical methods of transportation for humans under the age of 12. Anybody who uses a skateboard after that age should be avoided, unless they are making big bucks for riding around on a two-by-four attached to four roller-skate wheels.

ie:

Betty, “I have a hot date tonight with Johnny!”

Sally, “That’s wonderful! Where are you two going?”

Betty, “Down the block. We can’t go very far away because he’s picking me up on his skateboard. Isn’t that romantic?”

Sally, “…….”

3. “I’m not ready for a relationship” means I am not ready for a relationship. It does not mean the following:

– I want to take things slow because I respect you and I am a gentleman.

– I am emotionally hurt by your predecessor and fear that you’ll hurt me too. My heart is a big gaping wound and I need to be treated as fragile goods and be nursed back to heath by a caring and devout woman such as yourself.

– If you hang around for like five months and bake me cupcakes and have naked sleepover parties with me, I will suddenly realize how amazing you are and put a ring on it.

4. Stop talking about your dating life in hyperbole. Every dude out there isn’t an asshole set out to break your heart and you’re not going to be alone forever. Shit happens to everyone. This is why dating is as exciting as it is sucky. Chin up, slugger.

5. Having sex does not mean he is your boyfriend. Three weeks of dating doesn’t mean he’s your bf either.

6. Do not, under any circumstances, get drunk and text him, “Do you like me?” Also, do not show up to his place of employment in nothing but a trench coat and garters.

7. Relax. Relax. Relax.

8. Do not rely heavily on dating advice from your female friends or gay male friends or your mother.

9. It is not cute or becoming to get drunk in front of him and then shrilly sing Miley Cyrus and/or throw up in your purse and/or get into a brawl with the grouchy broad wearing leggings with a Lisa Frank-esque pattern of cats and space ships who gave you the stink-eye.

10. Do not listen to Jawbreaker while sitting by yourself on the couch in the dark waiting for him to call you back.

 

Advertisements

The OkCupid Inbox of Every 20-Something Girl in Philly, Ever

OkCupidHey I’m Manny I live in Collingswood. Can I call or text you? I’m not on here too often. I’m 6’3, four kids (though they don’t live with me. They’re at their moms). I like sex and giving and receiving massages.

Hey. Can I rub and suck ur feet?

Hey… You look like my mom.

I want you to sit on my face 😉

Ur beautiful. Wud u sleep wit me on the 1st date???

Hi I love life, friends, Dave Mathews Band, trees, and hamsters

Have you had a lot of pregnancy scares?

Have you ever listened to Taylor Swift? If you love her body of work then we’re a perfect match! If you’ve never heard of her don’t bother responding.

I may be old enough to be your father, but I have lots of money and I can still get it up! ;)~

Based on the picture of you holding your dog, I can tell that you are gorgeous but very sad and I’d like to change that. I hope you’ll open up to me and we’d be a great couple!

Hey, do yourself a favor and dont put on any makeup……….it messes with perfection 😉

My name Alberto. I am IT worker in office. I live in condo with cousin. I was born in India but live in U.S. You be very pretty.

I fux wit u. My name Reese how u?

Steak is awesome!

Nice tatz. Did they hurt?

hey im mike, so i wasnt going to message you because i know the chances of you responding might be slim to none but damnit i had to try haha … i think your soo pretty and i would give anything just to talk a little ! i have an awesome personality and a loyal heart and just want to meet someone that i can be myself around ! i hope you decide to message me back and give me the chance to know you a little better… like would you want to burry a random body or someone you know ? hahaha

10 People I Need to Delete From My Phone Right Now

zac morris phoneCute Tall Guy Drunk” – I honestly have no idea who this is. I probably nabbed it during a night out with the girls after one too many vodka and cranberries. And no, I’m not going to text him and ask him his name and what his face looks like.

“Do Not Answer” – We all have one of these in our phones. Mine’s a British guy I met at an after-hours bar one night called the Republican who lit cats on fire as a hobby.

Some girl I knew in college who I hung out with once – I kinda remember her not being fun and tentative plans for brunch. That was six years ago.

This girl my guy friend was hitting on at a bar and I felt sorry for her – Yah, never gonna call her either.

Courtney – I honestly have no idea who this is.

Friend’s Ex Boyfriend – I really have no idea how I ended up with this number. My friend probably didn’t have her phone one night and asked that I contact her BF if I needed to get a hold of her. Regardless, I’m never going to call this person except to say, “YOU PIECE OF !@#$!!! YOU KNOW WHAT YOUUUU DIIIDDDD $%^$#@$^ *&^^!!!”

“Girl in Duck Costume” – Yes, it honestly says “Girl in Duck Costume.” IDK.

My Ex from 2007 – That was a good relationship, but I’m pretty sure he’s married w/ children now and we haven’t spoken since MySpace was still a thing.

Domino’s – Because honestly, this is just pathetic.

“Dean OkCupid” – We went on one date and I wanted to put a fork through my face. There’s obviously not going to be a second date, so why do I still have his number?

Five Worst Fictional Boyfriends

mr-big-sex-and-the-cityI’m the type of girl that develops significant crushes on people that don’t exist. When I was in 3rd grade, I was obsessively in love with Raphael, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Now that I’m a full grown 29-year-old woman, my fictional crushes have evolved from six-foot amphibians who know Ju-Jitsu to zombie-killing, motorcycle riding hicks, AKA Daryl from The Walking Dead.

There are some fictional men, however, that I’d never date. Here’re five of them.

Mr. Big, Sex and the City

Despite the fact that millions of women around the world let out a collective sigh of relief when Carrie finally married him, I stand steadfast in my assertion that Mr. Big is one of the worst fictional boyfriends ever. If you’re into guys who cheat on their wives or spend approximately 5433956 hours a week at a job that entails wearing a suit, writing checks, and being mean to everyone, then he’s quite the catch.

Jim, The Office

“I’ll respect the fact that you’ve been engaged to a guy for like five years who has no intention of marrying you but I’d never cross that line. Instead, I’ll just sit here at my desk and make puppy eyes at you all day, flirt with you constantly, and take a vacation in another country on the day of your wedding, even though we’re supposed to be BFFs and I should be there on the happiest day of your life.” And after Pam does finally marry Jim and pop out a baby, he’ll buy his parents’ house without even asking for her opinion. Slick.

Tom Sloane, Daria

It’s really a shame that the best cartoon girl friendship of the mid 90’s was ruined by a boring, pseudo-intellectual with a bad mullet. Not only did Tom come between Daria and Jane, but he didn’t even understand our favorite little bifocal ball of wittiness. No Tom, we’d choose Trent over you any day of the week, thankyouverymuch.

Jordan Catalano, My So Called Life

Yes, Jordan. You may be a moody, misunderstood dreamboat that is musically gifted, but after hiding your relationship with Angela from the public, getting poor Brian Krakow to write an apology letter to her and then making her think you wrote a song about her when it was really about your stupid car – no. Just no.

 Patrick Bateman, American Psycho

Because what girl wouldn’t want to date a serial killer who cuts up prostitutes into little, tiny pieces?