Tag Archives: Valentine’s Day

All of the Dating Advice I Have

89bcd9bb3cb831aaf37a34e29d676dd51.) “Musician” is simply a euphemism for “I will fuck you and then I will copulate with your best friend, cousin, sister and anything else with a pulse and a hole.”

2.) Skateboards are practical methods of transportation for humans under the age of 12. Anybody who uses a skateboard after that age should be avoided, unless they are making big bucks for riding around on a two-by-four attached to four roller-skate wheels.

ie:

Betty, “I have a hot date tonight with Johnny!”

Sally, “That’s wonderful! Where are you two going?”

Betty, “Down the block. We can’t go very far away because he’s picking me up on his skateboard. Isn’t that romantic?”

Sally, “…….”

3. “I’m not ready for a relationship” means I am not ready for a relationship. It does not mean the following:

– I want to take things slow because I respect you and I am a gentleman.

– I am emotionally hurt by your predecessor and fear that you’ll hurt me too. My heart is a big gaping wound and I need to be treated as fragile goods and be nursed back to heath by a caring and devout woman such as yourself.

– If you hang around for like five months and bake me cupcakes and have naked sleepover parties with me, I will suddenly realize how amazing you are and put a ring on it.

4. Stop talking about your dating life in hyperbole. Every dude out there isn’t an asshole set out to break your heart and you’re not going to be alone forever. Shit happens to everyone. This is why dating is as exciting as it is sucky. Chin up, slugger.

5. Having sex does not mean he is your boyfriend. Three weeks of dating doesn’t mean he’s your bf either.

6. Do not, under any circumstances, get drunk and text him, “Do you like me?” Also, do not show up to his place of employment in nothing but a trench coat and garters.

7. Relax. Relax. Relax.

8. Do not rely heavily on dating advice from your female friends or gay male friends or your mother.

9. It is not cute or becoming to get drunk in front of him and then shrilly sing Miley Cyrus and/or throw up in your purse and/or get into a brawl with the grouchy broad wearing leggings with a Lisa Frank-esque pattern of cats and space ships who gave you the stink-eye.

10. Do not listen to Jawbreaker while sitting by yourself on the couch in the dark waiting for him to call you back.

 

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Valentine’s Day for the Socially Challenged

This is me everyday

I’ll be the first to admit it. I suck at dating. Actually, it’s not just daing that I’m horrible at. I’m just socially retarded in general. I really have no idea how to interact with the human species without resembling Anthony Michael Hall’s character in anything that was made between 1982 and 1985. No, it’s worse. I think I’m more like Milton from Office Space. My stapler…

My awkwardness is something that I can keep under control until I go to a bar and get a couple beers inside me. It’s odd because alcohol is a social lubricant, but for me, it has the reverse effect. I gain tremendous courage and self-esteem when I’ve been drinking, but in the wrong areas. Like I think I can sing Meatloaf at karaoke or jump over small cars or ride a pony down Broad Street.

So anyway, Valentine’s Day is coming up and for people like me, that means you’re either going to be spending it with your cat or at a bar.

It’s not that I hate Valenitine’s Day, I just don’t see the point in dedicating a holiday to happy couples. I mean, they’re already happy so why rub it in?

They should have a holiday for people who hate Valentine’s Day and happy couples and happy people in general. It’d probably be called “Bitter Old Hag Day” and cards for it would read “I’m one bad date away from owning 37 cats.”

I don’t know exactly when my odium for Valentine’s Day started. Maybe it was when I was in 3rd grade and gave this boy a card that had an image of a puppy on it that read “Would you be mine?” and he put a pencil through the puppy’s face.

Or maybe it was when my very first boyfriend in high school gave me a bag of processed shrimp as a Valentine’s Day gift because he thought I liked seafood.

Or when I magically received a card from my “cat” in the mail signed in my mother’s penmanship.

Whatever the case, I’m glad my friends accept my awkwardness. They love me regardless if I embarrass myself by confusing the words of Salt ‘n Peppa’s “Push It” for “Smoosh It” or if I lock myself in a public bathroom by mistake and freak out and start to cry.

So, for all of you socially awkward folks who hate love, spend Valentine’s Day with your homies.

And it’s perfectly acceptable to send yourself flowers and address the personalized note, “Dear Stephanie, You are the most awesome person in the world. Love, Stephanie.